VICTIMS, VICTIMIZED OR THE ONES TO BE BLAMED
Even if a few weeks have already passed since the tragic event, Sarah's name still touches some painful nerves in my body.. and I realised that the longer I linger in that pain and fear, the bigger damage I cause to my own self. So knowingly how words can be destructive and harmful practise, they can also be a powerful source of growth and healing.
After reading posts on social media about girls being attacked or threatened or intimidated or sexualised on a daily basis, I understood that this was not only my open bleeding wound- it was a wound that we shared between ourselves in solitude, however at the same time we belonged in the quiet group with the unspoken rule and responsibility of being a woman. Even if I am still shocked of what happened in not so far neighbourhood, I am admiring of the women who are brave enough to talk about this kind of experiences and still be these strong and powerful inspiration to one another.
'Don't wear that, you don't want to give the wrong impression to the boys'
'Don't talk like this, boys don't like opinionated woman'
'Be a decent girl, but not too decent you don't want to bore him'
'Be mysterious, don't show your body'
'But why are you hiding your body, why are you such a prude'
Girls and women hear these kind of comments on the daily basis. I have personally heard them several times, especially I have noticed that male friends have a looot to say about woman's body and what one should do or shouldn't do with it and I always found it hypocrite and uneducated. And quite often when I would try to stand up for myself or others they would try to brush it off as there would be no issue or that I am too sensitive or too over-reacting or say something like 'oh, why are you so annoyed, are you on your period?!'.
One evening when I was coming home from work around 7pm (not like it should really matter but apparently it does and no, I was not consuming alcohol and no, I was not wearing anything revealing- again SHOULD NOT MATTER) and had to pass by a group of drunk men hanging out, however one of them grabbed my arm. I didn't think too much, I got out and walk off really fast. I was really lucky, nothing happened- besides my privacy being disturbed. My heart was beating really fast and all these horrible thoughts coming through my head of what could have happened and if I was safe and if no one was following me.. when I got home and told about this incident to a male-friend of mine and how scared I was. As someone that I thought I can really trust and rely on- his reaction really surprised me. He just laughed at me and with the same silly laugh he told me that his female colleague was attacked and rapped or nearly raped recently.. I don't know what kind of reaction I was expecting but it was clearly NOT IT.
Recently I started observing the surroundings in different light. The people that approach me, how do they make me feel, is their behaviour in any way alerts me or makes me feel uncomfortable, how do they react when I say no to them. Most of the men get really angry or frustrated of the rejection. For example last week when I was walking in the park, I was approached by this man who was acting rather strange and asked me for the directions but didn't seemed too bothered in hearing them, then he started asking all the personal questions and me being quite polite replying to him.. (as I have to admit, I am scared of being approached by strange behaving or in any way scary or intimidating men when I am on my own and when it's starting to get dark outside). He asked me for my phone number with demanding tone of voice, however at least I grew out of the fear of saying 'no', of course he was not pleased with my unapologetic behaviour.. he tried to convince me otherwise.. and I just had to walk of. I was lucky it ended that way but I was looking over my shoulder until I reached home.
Also I have started noticing women and their behaviours. When passing through the big group of men (seemingly to be construction workers) all the women that had to pass by them looked down.. ALL OF THEM. I am also noticing myself and my conscious and unconscious behaviours and thoughts. I have come to realisation that almost every time that I have to leave the house, there is some sort of fear that crosses my mind. I have been followed at least 2 times only last year. So I had to make my own 'pepper' spray just in case I need to protect myself, I carry keys in my hand, I bought this key alarm thing that supposingly creates unbearable noise, on my daily walks I wear masculine clothes just not to get unwanted attention. So after all this I am trying to get my head around how women are 'ASKING FOR IT'?
In history all the biggest oppressions were shaken by the people that were not able to stay willingly quiet anymore. I do believe that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. There is a quote that I love from one of my favourite authors J. Ivanauskaite 'Butterfly effect or chaos theory is that butterfly wings fluttering in the Amazon jungle can cause typhoon in Japan'.
I don't want to be victimized or that someone would feel sorry for me, I want to feel empowered of my own body and mind and feel safe for that and that all the women in the world would have the same power and rights to it. That's all that I am asking..
Comments
Post a Comment